Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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