I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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