feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Edward fifth and chaser hands
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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