I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
