wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
NoShamevember. You game?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
