why didn't you poke me back
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
