Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
