i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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