I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize