I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
