How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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