I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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