i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
my poor anus
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
