Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize