Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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