Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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