I'm so fucking centered right now
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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