This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
