im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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