the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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