What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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