make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
