Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
