I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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