NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
