is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
