She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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