i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize