i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
