I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
