Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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