My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
