i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
