Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
