He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
