my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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