i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
