The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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