Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
