ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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