Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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