When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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