a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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