party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
