So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
