You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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