Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
