Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Randomize
