So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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