i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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