Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
