Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
