You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
