im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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