i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
