dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
