Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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