as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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