there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
BRING THE BAGELS
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize