there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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