I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Randomize
