I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
