Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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