Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
