booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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