He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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