There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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